It all started so well! We had our first date and shared so much that we have in common. And just as I started to feel so close and fond of him, he stopped calling. What am I doing wrong?
Romantic relationships become stronger and thrive on building intimacy. Intimacy is a pleasant feeling of emotional closeness, connection, and trust we feel when we let someone see our true selves. But being close comes with some vulnerability and fear, since the person we opened to who may someday abandon us and so crush the foundations of our self-esteem. In romantic relationships, further avoiding emotional and sexual intimacy can end relationships you may have wanted to keep. You may abandon a romantic relationship that starts to become serious because you fear closeness.
What is the point of hiding your true self?
For some people, intimacy is synonymous with sex or physical closeness to another person, usually a romantic partner. But it is possible to have a lot of sexual encounters, and never let your partners see who you truly are. Others have no problem sharing a lot of personal information with friends, but the person who is their sexual partner is not privy to that. There are many ways to pretend to be close and yet keep other people from knowing your innermost beliefs, truths and fears. What is the point?
Working for thirty years with traumatized and addicted people, I came to realize that they share a common denominator. A thought deep in the foundations of their being, that goes:
“If someone should see me into my truest heart of hearts, down there where only the one who truly loves me, or maybe God, can see me … they would immediately abandon me, seeing what a horrible person I was.”
It may be illogical to you, why those who tend to cling to relationships and fear abandonment, actually also fear intimacy in relationships (previous blog: Fear of abandonment). Unable to control their separation anxiety, they may actually bring about the end of their relationship, as a form of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even though they superficially seem the opposites, fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment have something in common: a terrible dread of being left alone that can be traced back to relationship trauma. For an adult, being left alone or letting oneself be known should not be such a problem. But childhood experiences and traumas that cause a lack of trust in parental guardians or adults put people at risk of developing a fear of intimacy. (See How can childhood trauma change your life: Why can't I escape my past?).
To understand how a child can be traumatized in a relationship, there need not be dramatic events like abuse or abandonment. Many of my clients initially think that there was nothing wrong with their upbringing. But some parents are prone to criticizing their children, in good faith that they are helping them develop healthy lifestyles and avoid problems. Over-criticizing that is not balanced with nurturing and praise can cut deep wounds into the children’s vulnerable psyche. What children learn is that they are not good enough to deserve their parent’s love, so they concentrate on developing false selves and other defense strategies to avoid losing what they so desperately need.
What is a false self?
We all have pretend personas or roles we hide behind, especially in relationships with persons to whom we don’t want to come too close. In communication with your boss, or your doctor, or at a job interview, you will try to show off your virtues and hide your flaws. Some social roles may be quite shallow, like the one you show to your neighbor whom you only meet on the stairs once in a while: polite talking about the weather is showing the necessary minimal attention while revealing nothing about yourself.
But in the personal and love relationships, it is not possible to wear the mask at all times. The closer your lover tries to get to know you, the greater the fear of being exposed as a failure, fraud, and imposter, then rejected and abandoned. (see Fear of abandonment. Why is it so hard for me to let go?). For some, the fear is such that they prefer to end the relationship themselves, avoiding their dread of being abandoned.
Personal boundaries and fear of intimacy
Everybody has the right for their own physical and emotional space. Personal boundaries and how to defend them are also learned in early relationships with our caregivers, and a lot of things can go wrong here. Boundaries may be nonexistent, permeable or rigid, usually dependent of the type of the relationship. Nonexistent and permeable boundaries allow for enmeshment and exploitation, while overly rigid boundaries lead to abandonment issues. To have functional relationships with romantic partners and family members, the boundaries must be flexible but respectful for both parties.
What am I to do about it?
All relationships come with a degree of uncertainty. Many intimate relationships are worth having, even if they don’t last forever. Think about events in your life and try to understand where your fears come from. Are you unconsciously destroying relationships? And do you want more meaningful relationships? If you find that your troubled childhood might have made you relationship avoidant, you can profit with some professional help. (see blog Why is it so hard to change?)
Sanja Rozman is a medical doctor, psychotherapist and author of 8 books on behavioral addictions.
Read more in her book Serenity: How to Recognize, Understand, and Recover from Behavioral Addictions
that is about to be published by Brandylane Publishers Inc., Belle Isle Books.